It’s got to be hard to be Budweiser these days. You’re trucking along, presiding over cookouts and frat parties and then you see it…a bottle of fancy-dancy craft brew. Suddenly the words “hoppy,” “IPA” and “malty” are bandied about and soon more strange bottles begin crowding you in the cooler.
Don’t they know who you are? You are The King of Beers! You have an entire team of Clydesdale horses just to drag your can around! Your advertisements have been TV darlings (Bud-wei-ser! Wassup!) for years!
Now some new kid is trying to elbow you out for prom queen? Why…You’ll show them…
Like any mean girl, your first step is to mock.them.bitches.
and then craft beer was all like
and then Bud says “you make pumpkin peach ale” and Craft beers say “Yeah we do and your mama loves it” and things got pretty nasty.
And now, like every worried Queen Bee, Budweiser is attempting to regain their spotlight with a makeover. No, not their recipe! Ha! It’s not the inside that counts, it’s the wardrobe!
Boom. They renamed themselves America. Who isn’t going to reach for the can of America on Memorial day or the 4th of July. What? You’re going to down a Dragons Milk or Ghetto Blaster when AMERICA is at hand? Unthinkable.
What is impressive is the confidence Budweiser possesses. Few products in this world have the visual cache needed that they can literally take away their name and still be instantly recognizable. They could have easily changed the name to “My Aunt Franny” with the same effect, though far less swagger.
What is also impressive is the cajones needed to call yourself America when you, in fact, are not an american product. Anheuser-Busch was sold to Belgian InBev in 2008.
Obviously a case could be made that they were an American company for so long they retain their citizenship, I’ll even allow for that. What I can’t forgive in this case is the fact that Anheuser-Busch owns several craft breweries. As of Christmas of 2015 they were vying for ownership of their eighth craft brewery.
That is some next level mean-girling there.
Alas, this temporary name change will be over in the fall, Anheuser-Busch said they made the switch to celebrate the Summer Olympics, the Copa America Centenario soccer tournament and will wrap up the presidential election.